"When I shit it's like Pearl Harbor."

-CJ

"There's a lot of margarine for error."

-CJ

"If I die or my heart stops, just pound on it a few times and feed it more bacon."

-Matt

"Did you just say bloodfart?"

-CJ

"Use your mouth, not your hands."

-Drucker

"I will give it to you ALL the way."

-Basil

Andy: I think 287 traffic is so bad right now that it's moving backwards through time. I can't say for sure, but i think i just saw thomas jefferson go by on a horse

Basil Decambre: Sure it wasn't Sally Hemmings? Wow, that's fucked up. Fuckin' racist.

Jenny: Everything should be burritos

Andy: Did you see the robot spiders?
Jenny, Leah, Basil: There are robot spiders? Awesome!
Andy: Fucking fuck that shit! If robotic spiders actually happened, there wouldn't be enough pants in the world to keep up with how fast I'd be pissing them.

Basil: i was raised on cock flavored soup

Basil: you can't take a dump in a dream. it's like dying...or me getting laid.

"If marrying mad bitches is faggy, call me Rob Betrand!"-Andy

Basil: It's official: Not even the _New York Times_ uses apostrophes correctly.
Andy: I blame the internet and by association Al Gore. So it's official, Al Gore = Bad Grammar
Basil: And the school. Don't forget the schools.
Andy: Hmmm too much to blame. We need a single scapegoat...How about the jews? They've gotten off relatively easy over the course of history, right?
Basil: Shit. Lost. You Win.

Drucker: white people make asians look like black people

Basil: (While watching two cats fight) "Well, that's not appealing at all."

Basil: It's kind of hard to be mad at him for saying "hey whitey, get out!"

Basil: Black people don't pay money to see things!

Basil: They can't make Diary of the Dead 2! It would have to be Blog of the Dead.

Basil: Guitars are not tampons

Basil on Heath Ledger's death:

"Gay sex is the new gateway drug."

"You can't 'no homo' an overdose either."

Jenny: murder party came today. i am complete.
Andy: did you open the package, stare at it longingly and whisper "you complete me?"
Jenny: no it was more like a wave of subtle euphoria while my heart simultaneously explodes with happiness
Andy: I know exactly how you feel. that's the exact feeling that i got when my penis came in the mail
Jenny: it's about time you got one of those for yourself. you earned it
Andy: it took me years to finally be able to afford it. i had the exact model that i wanted picked out since i was 10. it was really worth all of the sacrifice.
Jenny: What's the warranty?
Andy: It comes with 1 year, but i paid for the 5 year WangCare plan.
Jenny: the murder party dvd extras come with a pumpkin bread recipe!
Andy: is it guaranteed to get you attempted murdered?
Jenny: i don't think so. but, it also includes how to make your own brown knight costume. theres so much happiness in my heart right now.
Andy: i need to give my copy a full exploration
Jenny: you need to go home early from work and do it. puff snooty!
Andy: you know, it's kind of weird, the biggest thing that sue and i disagree on is that if we ever got married, whether i could name her cat puff snooty or not.
Jenny: wow. what about calling it sir gallahad?
Andy: hmmm...i'll have to campaign that one and see what she says. this whole cat naming thing could be a deal breaker.
Jenny: you're going to let a cats name get in the way of pussy? faggot.
Andy: cat naming > pussy holes

Basil - Watching people slow dance to Enrique Iglesias is the gayest thing ever. And I've seen gay porn.

Basil - last time we had shoprite pretzels while playing poker we went to DC

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Drucker: "if i don't shit in her room i'm going to feel bad."

Jon LC - "Every combo now is one less animal cracker later"

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Matt: "It smells like a child fell out of your ass and died!"

Rob - "We should download kiddie porn because it's not our internet connection!"

Basil - "Black can't be yellow?"

Matt Kleinschmidt - "Gotta let America be America?"

Matt: That kid is totally 'put the lotion in the basket .' (regarding Nikhil)

Lisa: You've already been guilty of sexually harassing me.
Matt: Why? Because I called you a 'fucking cunt?'

Erin: Why are we shoving tampons in the hot tub?

Basil: The coat hanger fixes the problem. The duct take ensures that it never happens again.

Basil: Proof that the end is nigh: Xanadu: The Musical.

Basil: He's bringing the zombie back.

Basil: If it weren't for black people, there would be no '50s.

Basil: You can never have too much chocolate...unless you have too much

Andy: I had a salad for lunch
Lisa: I had birdpoop

Drucker: "This nail must have been hammered in."

Drucker: Who's been following me around all day cooking delicious chicken?

Bertrand: Shmike, I don't really care what you like.

Basil: Ham radio: the original Myspace.

Basil: Popcorn is not grapes

Basil: Lettuce is green...unless it's red.

Lisa: That's why I don't like beer, because of the beast.

Basil (while drinking a Guinness): I like my beer like I like my women.
Nick: Dark and heavy?

Basil: Fuck the internet. Gopher, bitch.

Drucker: I'm standing near two people who personify everythign i hate about pop culture and I'm about to crucify them. 

Basil: Little girl asks her mother why I'm black

Basil: I'm just waiting for someone to sample Bob Dylan.